Chad invited me to see The Dark Knight with him last Friday. Despite my initial disappointment after our first date, I agreed. My reasoning was two-fold: 1.) Christian Bale is so goddamned hot, it causes me actual, physical pain to look at him; and 2.) Chad is a great guy, and who the hell am I not to give him a fair chance?
I resolved to approach the date maturely and rationally . . . relying exclusively on mature and rational thoughts.
Mature and Rational Thought #1:
Douchebags are not sexy.
Chad has everything a woman could want. He's tall, attractive (albeit in a Harry Potter sort of way), smart, sweet and successful. The only thing missing is his acute lack of egotistical douchebag-ness. If Chad were an arrogant, self-centered asshole, I would have been all over his shit. And I'm sure my love of douchebags is directly correlated to my perpetually single status. I am an embarrassment to woman-kind and must put an end to this stupid, self-destructive behavior.
Mature and Rational Thought #2:
Be thankful for what you have . . . because it could always be worse.
While waiting for Chad outside the theater, I was approached by the anti-hot: a short,
middle-aged, fake-tanorexic, balding, wannabe goombah. From beneath his chest-hair jungle and weighty, faux chains, leatherface asked me whether I was "Joanne." Fortunately, my name is not Joanne so I didn't have to lie. But believe you-me, even if I were Joanne, I would not have admitted to it to this guy. "That's a shame," the aged guido replied. Yes it is . . . for Joanne. When Chad strolled up to the theater minutes later he looked positively Clooney-esque in comparison.
Mature and Rational Thought #3:
The Golden Rule . . . it's not just for priests and/or nice people anymore.
I would be totally offended if some guy rejected me right off the bat for a ridiculously arbitrary reason, like I wasn't bitchy enough or I was too slutty. (And by "if" I mean "when" it actually happened to me, about 50 times already, for which I remain surprisingly non-bitter). Further, due to my current state of unemployment, coupled with the unsightly, six-pound accident that has dimpled its way across my thighs and ass, I am seriously no prize myself right now. How could someone like me possibly judge someone like Chad and deem him unworthy?
The outcome of my mature and rationale experiment: I had a really good time with Chad and felt way more attracted to him than I did before. Granted, I still have no desire to rip his clothes off, but maybe eventually . . .
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4 comments:
This blog (and this post) is hilarious! As a fellow single woman in Pittsburgh, I feel your pain and I really do sympathize.
Thanks! I'd suggest we start a support group and solicit members on craigslist; but I fear some whiney little bitches who think you have to be married by 23 and knocked-up by 25 would show up, and then I'd be forced to stab someone with my stiletto . . . again.
Haha, too true! My sister married at 22 and one of my best friends at 20, so I've been around a lot of young couples. I say we start the support group and clarify that it is for women that haven't had success in the Pittsburgh dating scene and would like mature and rational friends to support each other. (It should be for anyone in their 20s and 30s, as I'm young, but still had really bad luck with this whole dating thing!) It could work...
Oh, you poor thing. I'm guessing you've been on the shit-end of as many disastrous blind dates and awkward set-ups as I have!
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